


i've always made such expensive mistakes.

by steelatoms



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Angst, Child Abuse, Hemophilia, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Post-Episode: s03e15 Necromancing the Stone, reupload
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-23
Updated: 2018-08-23
Packaged: 2019-07-01 16:52:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15778173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/steelatoms/pseuds/steelatoms
Summary: Nate mulls over what he saw through the Death Totem.





	i've always made such expensive mistakes.

**Author's Note:**

> reupload. I love my steel son.

Familiar words had been spoken through another familiar mouth, not the one Nate was used to and yet, it still hurt.  Seeing his grandpa, someone who had literally given up his future, his entire _life_ so he could live just brought everything bad he had been hiding crashing back.

  
Nate knew it hadn’t been his grandpa, sweet, sacrificial Henry Heywood, who had been talking, but even if it was the Death Totem, it wore the man who he had basically led to the slaughter’s face.

 

When Rip had dismissed the Legends, in the six months that passed, Nate didn’t once go and visit his parents, even though he wanted to, to try and clear the air.  He didn’t owe them anything, especially not his dad, the logical part of him thought, but there would always, _always_ be a part of him that blamed himself for everything.

 

The years of isolation, emotional abuse -- whilst Nate was unable to prevent his haemophilia, the fallout of it, his victimisation and verbal abuse, he felt partially responsible for.  His father had treated him like a broken toy and his entire childhood has consisted of daily beratements, the occasional punch (his dad knew he was breakable, so had to be careful not to get into trouble) and crippling, unbearable loneliness.

 

It was why he had a bleeding heart for Rory when the burly man had encountered his own abuser in Vietnam.  Whilst Nate’s issues with his dad had been less physical, on the occasion, he had found himself locked in his room to escape his temper.  The thing was, he had _lied_ to Mick; he had told him speaking to his grandpa had helped with those issues with his father.

 

They had only made them worse, and made Nate feel like because he failed in saving his grandpa’s life, he was _directly_ responsible for everything his dad did to him.  It was his fault his dad was always so angry.

 

Nate sighed, shuffling on his bed as he plugged in his earphones, trying to push out everything.  Music had always been an escape for him; music and history.

 

Yet today, nothing, not even the sound of _Elvis_ chiding away in his ears like a lullaby, was enough to calm his nerves.  He was angry, at himself and the Death Totem, for remembering his pain. He had been happy, happy with Ray and finally able to move past everything bad in his life.

 

Then Sara had gotten possessed (he didn’t blame her, never) and everything took a turn for the worst.  Ray had been hurt and he had been forced to confront his truth; that he was nothing but a failure.

 

Nate didn’t realise that he was crying until a teardrop splatted onto his phone’s screen, causing him to curse and rub his eyes, sniffling.

 

Then, as if the universe was playing some cruel practical joke on him, Nate saw Ray enter the room and he couldn’t help but sigh in exhaustion, pulling his earphones out.

 

“You alright?” he asked Ray, desperate to seem okay, “You took quite the beating.”  


Ray nodded, coming to sit beside his boyfriend on the bed, “Yeah, Gideon officially cleared me.” he studied Nate, “You?  You mentioned you saw your grandpa when we were in the medbay.”

 

“I’m fine.” Nate lied, “I know it wasn’t real.” _even though he had looked and felt and even smelled real,_ Nate neglected to add.

 

Ray frowned, “Well, just because it wasn’t your grandpa doesn’t mean it wasn’t _real._  It was clearly real for you.” he tilted Nate’s chin up, “Tell me.”

 

Nate shook his head, sighing, “I can’t… I just… I _know_ , I just… I know it wasn’t him but what he said…” his lip trembled and his eyes filled with tears, “What he said was true.”   


“What did he say?” Ray asked, running his hand to rub Nate’s shoulder.

 

Nate replied, “The truth, that I’m a disappointment to him _and_ my dad.  That I _let_ him die.  That… That I don’t deserve your love, or anyone’s.”

 

“Nate…” Ray took his boyfriend’s hands in his, “You have to know that isn’t true, right?”

 

Nate shrugged, biting his lower lip, “It’s nothing I haven’t heard before.  My dad would say it all the time.”  
  
“You never talk about your relationship with him.” Ray stated, “You say you don’t get along…” he kissed Nate’s knuckles before asking, “Did he ever… you know?”

 

Nate didn’t answer, simply looked down with guilt.

 

“That son of a bitch…” Ray said between gritted teeth, “I will kill him.”

 

Nate shook his head, “We both know you’re not capable of murder, Ray.  It’s fine, seriously. Besides, I’ve hardly had it the worst on the ship.  Rory, Snart, they were both abused. Z lost her brother. Hell, you lost your fiancee.”  


“This isn’t a contest!” Ray narrowed his eyes, “Besides, what your father did to you… it was abuse.  Simple.”  


Nate scoffed, “I’d hardly call hitting me once in a while when I screwed up ‘abuse’, Ray.”

 

“Then what would you call harming a _child,_ a vulnerable, chronically ill one at that?”

 

Nate shrugged, “Discipline?  I don’t know, doesn’t matter.”  


“Of course it matters!” Ray cried, “You’re still suffering from it.”  


Nate gave a soft, heartbreakingly pathetic attempt at a laugh and pulled his hand away, “Yeah, thanks for reminding me that I’m fucked up.  Look, it was my fault and I deserved every bit of it. I got my grandpa killed, _ruining_ my dad’s childhood.”   


“Even if he hadn’t have died, you know you wouldn’tve been able to take your grandpa back to his time.” Ray said, “Sara would never have allowed it.”

 

Nate got to his feet, “Then I would’ve found a loophole.”  


“Nate…”  


“-- _No!”_ Nate interrupted, “Look, man.  I’m sorry we can’t all have the ‘apple pie’ childhood you had, but I had a chance to change mine, just a little bit and I should’ve taken it!”

 

Ray sighed, “You know you couldn’tve.”

 

“Why not?” Nate asked, growing more hysterical, _“‘The Laws of Time?’_ We break those goddamn laws _all the time!”_ his voice broke slightly, _“It’s not fair!”_

 

Ray nodded, “I know.” he got up and cupped Nate’s cheek, despite the other trying to pull away, _“Hey.”_ he spoke calmly, “I know.  And there’s been times I’ve wanted to change things too but we can’t.” he rested their foreheads together, “I’m _sorry,_ but we can’t.”

 

“He’s my _grandfather.”_ Nate’s breath hitched, “W-Without him, I’m just a lonely kid with a controlling dad who doesn’t love him.”   


Ray shushed him, “You’re so much more than that.  You’re a hero, a _Legend._ You’re the love of my life, okay?  And I’m here for you, no matter what.”

 

“I’m scared,” Nate admitted, “That I can’t move on from everything that happened.  That, if he could see me now, Grandpa Heywood would hate me.”  


Ray pulled his head away and murmured, “Your grandpa would be so, so proud of you, Nate.  Come here.”

 

He pulled his boyfriend into a close embrace, feeling him sob softly into his shoulder, knowing that after the horrors of that day, he would be fragile, but Ray, no matter what, would be there to protect him.  He loved him more than life itself, and that would never change.

 

**Author's Note:**

> kudos/comment pls
> 
> twitter: steelatoms  
> tumblr: bisexualseg-el  
> instagram: poison3dy0uth  
> 


End file.
